Sending out my previous email was a big achievement.
Why?
Because, it shows some form of normalcy returning to my life. Like, I can actually enjoy days, without thinking about the gloom and the hell the last 7-8+ weeks have been.
Have you ever felt like a rug was pulled from under your feet?
I have. That feeling has been intensifying and creeping back into my head every few minutes.
For over a month, I’ve barely been able to get by. I’ve been taking it one day at a time. Sometimes one hour at a time, because if I don’t, I don’t know how else I will get through this.
I don’t know how we will all get through this.
Most days I’ve felt like the most useless being on the planet. Every time I’d open Instagram (or any other social for that matter), people were posting motivational quotes and encouraging everyone to be their most productive selves. How can I be productive when my mind is barely coherent? How do I function when my body clock is all different, and it feels like I’m all wrong?
For someone who loves reading, I could barely get past a page without feeling like it was impossible. I’ve never climbed a mountain, but I’m guessing this is what it feels like.
I wanted to catch up with so many people. Sure, now’s the time. Now, is the time. But, I dread having to answer how I’m doing. Having to answer how I am. I don’t want to give a half-assed “I’m fine”. Because the truth is, I’m not.
I don’t know what to do. And the pressure to have it all figured out is as intense as it is paralyzing. Anxiousness and that creeping fear of impending doom. The last time I felt so low was last year, when there was more chaos and uncertainty than I could handle, and I didn’t know if we’d make it. If I’d make it.
But I did.
I’ve been through some serious shit in the last three years. Much worse than what I’m going through now. But, only on one instance have I felt like I wouldn’t survive. Every other time, when times got tough, I rolled up my sleeves, and found a way to get back on my feet. This time is different. The whole world has changed. We’re all going to come out of this, changed in some ways. Scarred in others.
And while I haven’t been able to do much, this week I made an effort and it worked. It’s not that I didn’t try before, but my energy, mind, and body would not get with the plan. This week brought a normalcy of sorts. I even wrote. I haven’t published a newsletter in a while, and even though I have a million and one doubts and fears in my mind before hitting “publish”. I wanted to remind myself- that it’s okay to be human.
It’s okay to cope in whatever way I can. We’re all coping differently.
We all have our doubts, and fears, and fair share (or lack) of emotions.
And while I may not have all the answers or solutions, I’m trying my best. And, that will have to do, for now.
With love and hope,
Mashal
x